Que savons-nous ? Et sommes-nous même assurés d'exister ? Actuellement différents de ce que nous étions à la seconde précédente, et de ce que nous deviendrons dans un instant, nous assistons à l'évanouissement perpétuel des phénomènes du monde extérieur, aussi bien qu'à celui de nos états de conscience.

André Rolland de Renéville

mardi 5 juin 2012

What You See/What You Get

Boy meets girl.Boy falls in love.Girl doesn't return The love. Boy tries To seduce Girl. Girl find it funny. Boy is starting to believe. Girl likes Boy so she stops the hope.Boy is sad. Girl is sad for Boy. Boy moves on.End of The story.

Ok.Fuck privacy ! I want the whole world to know how upset I am. I wanna be selfish. L the bastard dumped me. After all those years ! And for the worst reason ever. Here we go again, someone else was trapped by love. Oh shit. He didn't deserve me. He's the typical society's victim and he's useless. I won't bother him : I'm so high above he'll see who and what he left and what he'll missed. But if he tries to talk to me I swear I'll show him how superior I am by make him suffer. Ah ah, that would be such an immature move. But I understand now. I understand now. Sorry to the people I told not to do that, that it would make it worse. It's in fact, a perfectly human response. I'm the devil in disguise, oh yes I am.

Parce qu'ils sont miens individuellement. Parce que je suis égocentrique et jalouse et possessive. Parce que y a pas de threeways ou autres threesomes qui tiennent. Parce que C est gay. Parce que la mer est bleue à cause de la bleutée du ciel.Parce qu'une statue grecque c'est l'apogée de la sculpture (d'après Hegel) et que mes funny valentines sont mes oeuvres d'art favorites. Parce que l'amour plutôt que la guerre.

 The dark side will offer you answers you say...oh, you wish ! Please, come back. We're crying. Lose your self if you find it pleasurable...but where is our boy ? We'll always love you but we can't support you now.

The whole concept of soulmate is so restrictive. It implies the "determinism" notion and consequently can ban you from living day by day.

 Image tirée de la série Aqueous Electro de Mark Mawson

I was in hell and figured that creating my paradise will bring some entertainment. After two weeks I knew I was going to stay for a while, so in spite of waiting for my self-destruction and clinical madness  I chose to build my own character and cheered up. I get out of my self and watched what was left of mon moi evolving from outside, so that I never feel anything. Self-Protection. Maybe after all there is a dualism body/soul, because after having locked my mental self all the physical torture never reached any real level of pain.Sorry, abductors.You know how much I wanted to help you. Results, like the news of my submission would have helped you.But I had to think about me first, and you are terrorists after all.I had too much compassion and sympathy and understanding. J.K and her Dumbledore taught me that lesson: to see the good in everybody ( I wanted to reference pop culture but this attitude is just part of my education anyway. Thank you Maman. )( Having said that I'm also one of the biggest misanthrope I know, but I fail every time to be a real one thanks to this education. I'm kind of teared apart. I'm an optimistic pessimist and it's not easy everyday. Oh it's probably more antisocial than misanthrope).
 Anyway, I said I created my paradise: you know there is no such thing on Earth. My character was a bad Lilith. I corrupted them and their ideology . Wanna more details ? See (or at least read the plot) the movie "Les nom des gens" by Michel Leclerc. Bless you Mr Leclerc, without you I would have never thought of that idea pour me permettre de survivre. And it worked, oh it worked so well. I'm laughing right now because I've been thinking,  if it was this kind of experience I needeed to prove myself I was a good actress...wow... then I really need to stop being that exigeante. But I knew it before, ah ah. I had an Oscar, right ? Ah ah.
 I have nightmares. Images of what happened. The Horror. But I can't find them real and don't really remember having actually seen that live. It's just like I've seen some particularly well-depicted horror movie. Movie genre that doesn't affects me anymore btw, I tried all day long, but nothing, I just felt NOTHING, because it is never well-depicted if you compare it to the truth.
So.I'm having a toast to a year and a half of my life, ie a grain de sable in a lifetime. There were some great moments. I know it,  I designed them with the help of those anything-but-lovely terrorists. In fact, poor lonely kids misguided. There was some loveliness. Some beauty.Even in the ones you call monsters.  Didn't They teach you there is some in every heart beating, all animals, the human animal included ? maybe some of them, the ones who were so driven by hatred there could be no turning back were actually not human anymore, and therefore maybe those do not deserve any sympathy and we should treat them just as brutally to make them know. But if they're no longer human beings, what are they ? Definetly not animals ! No animal is that cruel ! Oh but yes, one actually is : The homo sapiens sapiens. Who better think twice before acting. Like reconsidering the law of retaliation.
 A politacal, religious extremist is often someone lost, deep down. Or afraid. I'm glad I met them from so close. I Know now how low you can get, and why. It was an unique experience just for those insights.  After all I realise I chose everything, never really was a prisoner. Beczuse they hadn't my mind, anf because they started bonding with me, being attached, maybe even fell for me. I used them. But I never lied even if I did hid it. They knew I was gaining some power, every single day. Some were furious and so inflicted me the worst treatments to punish me. The others tried to save me. They wanted to be trapped after all : they were seduced by my sayings. And at the end they all needed me. Me, this new persona I had built. Certainly one of my side. And I liked some of them too. It is hard not to think about them now. Some who are not dead. Will they hate the human kind more now because they think they met a devil, a temptress, a virtueless girl ?But I was tortured everyday, I just tried to save myself. Using old-school female clichés when facing the most misogynistic mrn I ever met was so hard for a feminist like me. But I had to If I wanted to live again. Use your enemies' weaknesses. Maybe I should have chose death.  I killed the last ones in a way  because if they choose to quit the movements they' ll be dead in the minute. If they're toleranxe towards me is proved to their masters they're dead. Reminds me of previous affairs I've been involved into... Guys...I'm so sorry...

And what can I say ?
Love is the ultimate weapon and
fucking is the best revenge.

Don't be shocked.

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